How to Encourage the Bereaved: Study of Death and Dying 

"We must be on our guard to ensure that our faith is always oriented toward the present and the future. Even if one of the senior members of your family dies, you the surviving members ought not to consider yourselves bereaved or left behind; rather, you should have the profound awareness that you are a successor. Pledge to yourself, 'I will inherit the faith of the deceased and, filled with hope, devote my entire life to promoting kosen-rufu, resolved to accomplish what he (she) has left unfinished' Whenever we offer prayers for the repose of the dead, we must renew our determination to carry out our mission as heir to faith. And as for visiting graves, we must not regard this as something that concerns only what is past, as people in general do. Rather, we should assume a vigorous, future-oriented attitude based on the concept of the three existences of life."

Grief has been likened to a raw open wound. With great care, it will eventually heal but there will always be a scar. Life will never be the same but eventually you will get better.

The experiences of grief have been compared to enduring a fierce storm at sea. The waves are peaked and close together. Eventually the sea becomes calmer, but occasionally the storm regroups, strengthening without any warning. For several hours, days, or weeks, you may not feel grief; then suddenly you meet someone or see something and grief resumes. It seems as if you are taking one step forward and two steps back.

Grief has its common and its unique sides. Although it is a universal experience, no two people grieve the same, even in the same family. Like a snowflake or a fingerprint, each person’s grief has characteristics all its own.

It is important to understand some of the following concepts about grief: 

GRIEF WORK:
The expression "grief work"' is very true. It may be the hardest work that you will ever perform. It is draining. 

CONTROL: 
We CANNOT control the feelings that arise within us. These feelings come from deep inside, but we can choose what to do with them. We can accept or reject them. To deny only prolongs our grief. Remember, what we do determines whether we remain in our grief or survive. Feelings are not bad or wrong. They should be recognized and faced honestly. 

CHOICES: 
About grief: there are no choices, you MUST go through it. The expression of grief is essential for good emotional and physical health even though it is painful and difficult. There are no easy answers or short cuts, no way under, over or around your grief. Although grief may hurt desperately, you must go through it. 

MAJOR DECISIONS: 
It is strongly suggested not to make major decisions (such as moving, money matters, etc.) unless absolutely necessary during the early stages of grief when judgment is cloudy. The conventional wisdom, "Never act in haste" was never more applicable. 

LISTENER(S): 
Find someone who will listen. Talking is therapy. 

GRIEF HAS NO TIMETABLE: 
Grief often takes much longer than the bereaved or the people in their lives expect. It helps to take one hour, one day at a time. 

REMEMBER:
People have a natural inclination to recover. Eventually you'll look back and realize; you weren't going crazy ... you were grieving. 

RECOMMENDED READINGS ON DEATH AND BEREAVEMENT

Buddhist Books:

Unlocking the Mysteries of Life and Death in the Contemporary World by Daisaku Ikeda (We ordered advance copies of the brand new revised 2003 edition for the conference.)

Buddhism in Action by Daisaku Ikeda, Vol. IV, pp. 104-105.

Buddhism in Action by Daisaku Ikeda, Vol. V, pp. 24, 62-64.

Buddhism in Action by Daisaku Ikeda, Vol. VI, pp. 17-21, 126-130, 202-203, 331-332

Life: An Enigma, a Precious Jewel, by Daisaku Ikeda, pp. 171-189

Space and Eternal Life by Daisaku Ikeda & Chandra Wickramasinghe, pp. 98-140

Unlocking the Mysteries of Birth & Death by Daisaku Ikeda, pp. 84-105

Tuesdays with Morrie: by Alban and Coulter (as death approaches)

Final Gifts: Understanding the Special Awareness, Need, and Communications of the Dying by Callanan and Kelley (for those intimates such as caregivers, family, friends with a person as he or she nears death)

The Mourning Handbook by Helen Fitzgerald

I’m Grieving as Fast as I Can by Linda Feinberg

A Grief Observed by C. S. Lewis (this famous author’s intimate yet universal feelings on the loss of a wife)

Empty Arms by Sherokee (miscarriage or stillborn child)

The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd (novel about the transcendent love of mothers and daughters) 

How Can I Help? by Kolk

The Courage to Laugh (Some know humor is therapeutic; others just feel guilty when they laugh. Each person will understand this book … in her or his own best time.)

On Death and Dying and other books by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross (pathbreaker in this field in late 1960s)

When A Man Faces Grief (1st half)/A Man You Know Is Grieving (2nd half): Twelve Ideas for Helping by Thomas Golden and James Miller

Our Mother’s Spirits: Great Writers on the Deaths of Mothers and the Grief of Men edited by Bob Blauner

A Time to Die and Six Months to Live( and others of 40 books) by Lurlene McDaniel

For children: 

The Fall of Freddie the Leaf: A Story of Life for All Ages by Leo Buscaglia

How Do We Tell the Children? by Scharfer and Lyons. (particularly helpful when a “loss event” has just occurred in a child’s life)

Quotations on Death and Grieving

I. Quotations on the Buddhist Theory of Death and Dying
[from Unlocking the Mysteries of Birth and Death: Buddhism in the Contemporary World (rev. ed. 2003, 1988) and from a lecture on “Life and Death” given at the Boston Research Center by Dr. Yoichi Kawada (1988)]

The Nine Consciousnesses (from chap. 6, Unlocking the Mysteries of Birth and Death):
The Buddhist doctrine of the nine consciousnesses analyzes the various strata of consciousness and thereby clarifies the entire spectrum of the operations of life itself. The first five consciousnesses correspond to the conventional notion of the five senses, and the sixth is the function of consciousness that integrates the sensory input to form coherent images and distinguish among objects.

The seventh layer is called the mano-consciousness. It represents the realm of abstract thought and examines one’s inner world, for example, distinguishing falsehood from truth. Another characteristic of the mano-consciousness is a strong attachment to the self and it is the origin of delusions about the self. With the mano-consciousness we begin to move into the realm beyond abstract conscious awareness. However, it would be wrong to think that the operations of the mano-consciousness are entirely within the unconscious. We can view the mano-consciousness as a sort of transitional phase, spanning the border between the conscious and the unconscious.

It is the eighth layer of consciousness, the alaya, that is said to undergo the cycle of birth and death. The Sanskrit word alaya means a dwelling or a receptacle, and the alaya-consciousness gets its name because all of our actions — including thoughts, words, and deeds, all of which come about through the workings of the first seven consciousnesses — are imprinted moment by moment into the unconscious realm of the alaya-consciousness as energies which have the potential to influence the future. These impressions are called “seeds,” so the realm of the alaya-consciousness is sometimes described as the “karmic storehouse” or the “repository of seeds.”

All our experiences and actions in both this lifetime and previous ones, whether they are good or evil or somewhere in between, are accumulated as seeds in the alaya-consciousness, and these seeds in turn direct our future actions. Since karmic seeds are to be found at a very deep level of life, they are unaffected by the external world. Nevertheless, there is a reciprocal influence between the seeds lying deep in the alaya-consciousness and the surface levels of consciousness where the three kinds of action manifest themselves. In addition, the alaya-consciousness contains not only the individual’s karma but also the karma common to his or her family and race, and even to humanity as a whole. While the delusions of the mano-consciousness perceive separateness among individuals, the alaya-consciousness broadly links all living beings, corresponding to Jung’s notion of the “collective unconscious” or common psychic base.

The ninth and deepest level of consciousness is the amala, from a Sanskrit word meaning pure, stainless, or spotless. The amala-consciousness is itself the ultimate and unconditioned reality of all things, and thereby is equivalent to the universal Buddha nature. At this most profound level of the mind, our individual existences expand without limit to become one with the life of the Cosmos. In the light of Buddhist thought, we may regard the amala-consciousness as the “greater self,” which is eternal and immutable: by awakening to and developing this fundamental pure consciousness, we can resolve the ceaseless strife between good and evil represented by the alaya-consciousness and at the same time enable our other consciousnesses to function in an enlightened way.

Nichiren Daishonin gave concrete expression to the amala-consciousness in the phrase Nam Myoho-renge-kyo, and he gave physical form to his enlightenment to the original cosmic life in the Gohonzon, thus opening a path whereby all people can achieve Buddhahood, manifesting the greater self that is latent within them. When we worship the Gohonzon we find joy and determination welling forth as we are brought face to face with the reality that our own existences are coextensive with the eternal life of the Universe. When we devote ourselves to and base our lives on this reality — the amala-consciousness — all the other eight consciousnesses work to express the immense power and the infinite wisdom of the Buddha nature. 

Death: One Facet of Eternal Life (from chap. 4, Unlocking the Mysteries of Birth and Death):
Throughout our eternal lives we continuously undergo the natural cycle of birth and death. At death, our life merges back into the life of the Universe, much in the same way that the spray of waves dissolves back into the waters of the ocean. Buddhism gives us the eternal Law that permeates every living being and every phenomenon in the entire Universe. The birth and death of living beings, the occurrence and cessation of nonliving phenomena, and the constant flux of the whole Universe are all manifestations of that Law. The Law enables our lives to continue eternally from one existence to the next.

Shakyamuni regarded his own death as a[n expedient] means to lead others to enlightenment. Likewise, every individual’s death is a means to an end; that is, a means to our rebirth. As we grow older, we may become weak and sickly and eventually die. But we do not die for nothing: we die in order to start a new life. The fundamental purpose of death, then, is to allow us to be reborn in the next phase of our eternal life cycle.
The Nirvana Sutra reads, “A person’s untimely death can be regarded as one of the “relatively minor hardships” whereby that person can expiate negative karma and be spared having to fall into the state of Hell.” (p. 100)

One of the most profound of all Buddhist doctrines is that birth and death are immanent in eternal life. “Immanent” means that one’s life was brought into being neither by some transcendent being (a god) nor by the actions of one’s parents, but that it has always existed within the Universe. “Eternal life” signifies that one’s life has continued and will continue to exist eternally with the Universe, that is, it has neither beginning or end, and its existence is not intermittent but continuous. Apart from birth and death, there can be no eternal life. Birth and death exist throughout eternity as necessary concomitants of eternal life.

If we correctly perceive birth and death as intrinsic workings of eternal life, as Nichiren Daishonin teaches, we proceed from delusion to awakening; from the superficial view that enlightenment is attained when we free ourselves from birth and death to the profound understanding that enlightenment is inherent within us always. We will then have no fear of the “sufferings” of birth and death, but can instead accumulate treasures of boundless value within our lives, based upon our eternal and indestructible Buddhahood, so that we eternally and joyously repeat the cycle of birth and death.

“From childhood, I, Nichiren, studied Buddhism with one thought in mind. Life as a human being is fleeting. An outgoing breath does not wait for an incoming one. Not even dewdrops on the verge of being blown off by the wind suffice to describe this transience. No one, wise or foolish, young or old, can escape death. Therefore, I thought that I should first learn about death, and then learn about other matters.” (GZ, p. 1404)

“The essential teaching for solving the suffering of life and death is to be found only in the ‘Life Span’ chapter” (GZ, p. 1022). 

“Above all, how your mother [Ueno-ama Gozen] must be grieving. She was preceded in death both by her parents and siblings, and she was bereaved of her beloved husband…. [Shichiro Goro] was a charming child and, moreover, a boy. He was very handsome and brave and had a trustworthy look. He made others feel refreshed. His having died so young, however, while defying reason, is like the buds of a flower being withered by the wind, or the full moon suddenly waning…. Still, since he believed deeply in Shakyamuni Buddha and the Lotus Sutra, in his last moment he was splendidly composed. He certainly went to the pure land of Eagle Peak where his father dwells. They must have had a joyful reunion. How wonderful! How wonderful!…It doesn't seem real to me [that he has died], and so I do not feel inclined to continue. I will write you again. With my deep respect, Nichiren.” ("A Letter of Condolence,” GZ, pp 1567-1568)

"Even if one were to point at the earth and miss it, even if the sun and moon should fall to the ground,...it could never happen that a woman who chants Nam Myoho-renge-kyo would fail to be reunited with her beloved child." (WND, p. 1072)

“Your husband gave his life for the Lotus Sutra. His entire livelihood depended on a small fief, and that was confiscated because of his faith. Surely that equaled giving his life for the Lotus Sutra…. He may be watching his wife and children in the mirrors of the sun and the moon every moment of the day and night. Since you and your children are common mortals, you cannot see or hear him, but neither can the deaf hear thunder nor the blind see the sun. But do not doubt that he is close at hand protecting you.” ("Winter Always Turns to Spring," MW Vol. I, p. 149) 

Nothing would please me more than to know that you have communicated with the late Lord Ueno, but I know that that is impossible. Perhaps only in a dream or a vision can you see him. Your late husband must certainly be in the pure land of Eagle Peak, listening and watching over this saha world day and night. You, his wife, and your children have only mortal senses, so you cannot see or hear him, but be assured that you will eventually be reunited [on Eagle Peak]. (“Hell Is the Land of Tranquil Light,” WND, p. 456)

“How swiftly the days pass! It makes us realize how short are the years we have left. Friends enjoy the cherry blossoms together on spring mornings and then they are gone, carried away like the blossoms by the winds of impermanence, leaving nothing but their names. Although the blossoms have scattered, the cherry trees will bloom again with the coming of spring, but when will those people be reborn? The companions with whom we composed poems praising the moon on autumn evenings have vanished with the moon behind the shifting clouds. Only their mute images remain in our hearts. The moon has set behind the western mountains, yet we shall compose poetry under it again next autumn. But where are our companions who have passed away? Even when the approaching tiger of death roars, we do not hear.” ("Letter to Niike," MW Vol. I, pp. 253)

“People live in this fleeting world where all is uncertainty and impermanence, yet day and night they think only of how much wealth they can amass in this life. From dawn to dusk they concentrate on worldly affairs, and neither revere the Buddha nor take faith in the Law. They ignore Buddhist practice and lack wisdom, idling their days away…. When one is deluded, it is as if he were dreaming. And when one is enlightened, it is as if he had awakened. Thinking in this way, Sessen Doji resolved to awake from the dream of the transient world and to seek the reality of enlightenment. So he secluded himself in the mountains and devoted himself to deep meditation, sweeping away the dust of delusion in his single-minded pursuit of the Buddhist Law.” ("The Fourteen Slanders," MW Vol. III)

“In spite of all that, I thought a great deal of him, and when I heard the news of his death, I felt as though, whether I had to walk through fire or wade through water, I must rush to his grave, pound on it, and recite a volume of the Lotus Sutra for his sake. ("Repaying Debts of Gratitude," MW Vol. IV) 

It is the way of the world that birth and death are the eternally unchanging characteristics of life throughout the three existences of the past, present and future. …The single ideogram ‘characteristics’ represents the eight characteristics or phases of the Buddha’s existence. Even these eight phases ore subject to the law of birth and death. The votaries of the Lotus Sutra are enlightened to all this, thereby attaining Buddhahood in their present forms. Since your deceased husband was a votary of this sutra, he doubtless attained Buddhahood as he was. You need not grieve so much over his passing. But to grieve is natural, since you are an ordinary person. Even sages are sometimes sad. Although Shakyamuni Buddha’s greatest disciples had been awakened to the truth of life, they could not help lamenting his passing. Perhaps they behaved as ordinary people do. (“Hell Is the Land of Tranquil Light,” WND, p. 456)

“For one who summons up one’s faith and chants Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo with the profound insight that now is the last moment of one’s life, the sutra proclaims, ‘When the lives of these persons come to and end, they will be received into the hands of a thousand buddhas, who will free them from all fear and keep them from falling into the evil paths of existence.’” (“Heritage of the Ultimate Law of Life,” MW Vol. 1, p. 21)

From Dialogue on the Lotus Sutra by SGI President Daisaku Ikeda and others:
The instant just before we die could perhaps be compared to the summit of a mountain. Having completed our climb of the mountain of life, it is from that vantage point that we can look back and for the first time take in the whole of our life. We can survey our accomplishments, what we are leaving behind, how much good or harm we caused, and whether we were kind to others or hurt them. And we can assess which of these was greater. We may also ask ourselves to what did we attach the greatest importance in our lives. At that crucial moment one’s mind is bombarded with such questions.

When confronted with death, a person’s vanity and pretensions are stripped away. Status, honor, wealth — these all count for nothing. We have no choice but to face death with nothing but our naked, unadorned selves.

The Buddhist scriptures describe demons who take one’s clothing after death. I think this symbolizes the idea that worldly trappings and adornments lose all meaning when we die. Buddhism therefore urges that we polish and develop our lives through faith while we're healthy.

There may be some who live out their lives convinced that death is the absolute end of their existence. But what kind of comfort could such a person give to a close relative or family member who is suffering in the face of imminent death? Would such a conviction and view of life and death ultimately provide any hope?

The Buddhist perspective of life as existing eternally over the three existences of past, present, and future not only brings hope to oneself, it can also encourage and give strength and hope to others.

How we perceive the meaning of death and the meaning of life hinges completely on whether we are able to establish a correct view of life and death…. We study Buddhism to live vibrantly and with eternal hope. Will death, which inevitable comes to each of us, be a time of dignity and honor? Or will we end in pitiful demise? This is completely reliant on how we live our lives right now, today. In that sense, the “moment of death” truly exists in the present.

The second Soka Gakkai president, Josei Toda, would often say that upon death our lives fuse with the universe. It’s not a matter of there being a soul; rather, our life, as an entity of the oneness of body and mind, returns to the universe. The universe itself is one great living entity. It is a vast ocean of life. It nurtures all things, gives all things life and enables them to function. When things die, they return again to its embrace and receive new vitality.

Our ichinen, or frame of mind, at the moment of death is a major determinant of which of the Ten Worlds in the universe our life will enter. Therefore, Nichikan warns that every precaution should be taken to ensure that the dying person can single-mindedly focus on the Mystic Law.

Near-Death Experiences 
Being close to death is of course not the same as being dead. Still, it is doubtless an instant in which we powerfully sense the reality of death. As a result, for many people, having a near-death experience completely changes the way they live the remainder of their lives.  (SGI President Daisaku Ikeda)

Confronting death enables us to clearly see what is most important…. I heard the following account of a mother in the United States. She had suffered a stroke and spent several weeks in a coma. Just before dying, she suddenly opened her eyes and, smiling, reached out to something that was invisible to everyone else. With her gaze downward, she made a gesture with her arms as though cradling a baby. Her face at that moment shone with genuine joy and happiness. She then passed away.

As a matter of fact, it turned out that her first child had died shortly after birth. She later gave birth to five children and raised them all into fine adults. She would never talk about the baby she had lost when she was young. Her surviving children were all convinced that at the moment of death, their mother had met that child and had died with that child in her arms. (SGI President Daisaku Ikeda)

People who have had near-death experiences often report seeing their entire life flash before them in a succession of panoramic scenes. In terms of Buddhist doctrine, we could say that this is equivalent to all of one’s karma (consisting of one’s thoughts, words, and deeds) that has been etched into the alaya consciousness — the eighth of the nine consciousnesses, which is likened to a storehouse — appearing before one’s eyes in an instant. At any rate, the moment of death is a final settlement of accounts for one’s life. (SGI President Daisaku Ikeda)

“Dr. Kubler-Ross herself had a near-death experience. Describing the incident, she recounts feeling the pain of death and immediately thereafter going through a kind of rebirth. She says that her second self watched as her body approached a light and became engulfed in it, and that the instant it became one with the light, she enjoyed a state of profound peace and tranquility. When she opened her eyes, she says, she could sense the pulsation of life in all living beings, even in insentient things such as rocks.” (Vice Soka Gakkai Study Department Chief Takanori Endo)

“I would like to introduce the experience of a Soka Gakkai member. Suffering a recurrence of meningitis, she lost consciousness, developed a high fever and a very irregular pulse, and finally her pupils dilated, indicating that she was about to die. Those around her evidently began discussing funeral arrangements, going so far as to begin talking about what photo of her to use at the funeral.

However, she later came to, saying:

At that time, I felt a cone-shaped object emerge from my head and my mind went completely blank. The object attached itself to a corner of the ceiling of the room and watched the scene below. The part of me looking down from above had left the self that was lying on the bed. And I could see the forms of everyone in the room moving back and forth. The moment I thought, “I am dying,” I was reminded of the Daishonin’s passage: ‘When one dies, if he is destined to fall into hell, his appearance will darken and his body will become as heavy as a stone that requires the strength of a thousand men to move. But in the case of a devotee of true faith, even if she should be a woman seven or eight feet tall and of dark complexion, at the hour of death, her countenance will become pure and bright, and her body will be as light as a goose feather and as soft and pliable as cotton. (MW).

She continues:

Then I was not afraid to die, but I was very much afraid of not attaining Buddhahood. Thinking over and over, “I have to attain Buddhahood!” In this dreamlike state I began trying to chant daimoku, although I could not produce any sound.
Her mother and others chanted much earnest daimoku, and three days later she regained consciousness.” (Vice Soka Gakkai Study Department Chief Harue Suda)

Death: The Final Stage of Growth by Elizabeth Kübler-Ross, pp. 5-6 (1975):
It is difficult to accept death in this society because it is unfamiliar. In spite of the fact that it happens all the time, we never see it. When a person dies in a hospital, he is quickly whisked away; a magical disappearing act does away with the evidence before it could upset anyone. But, as you will read later in various contexts, being part of the dying process, the death, and the burial, including seeing and perhaps interacting with the body, is an important part of coming to grips with death—that of the person who has died and your own…..

We routinely shelter children from death and dying, thinking we are protecting them from harm. But it is clear that we do them a disservice by depriving them of the experience. By making death and dying a taboo subject and keeping children away from people who are dying or who have died, we create fear that need not be there. When a person dies, we “help” their loved ones by doing things for them, being cheerful, and fixing up the body so it looks “natural.” Again, our “help” is not helpful; it is destructive. When someone dies, it is important that those close to him participate in the process; it will help them in their grief, and it will help them face their own death more easily.”

Approaching Death: Improving Care at the End of Life, ed. Marilyn J. Field and Christine K. Cassel, Institute of Medicine, National Academy Press, chap. 2 (1997):
“Death is not what it used to be. For most of human history, medicine could do little to prevent or cure illness or extend life, and living to an old age required considerable good fortune. Dying — like being born — was generally a family, communal, and religious event, not a medical one. Because many deaths occurred at home, people were likely to care for dying relatives and, thus, to have a fairly personal and direct experience with dying and death….

In the United States, death at home in the care of family has been widely superseded by an institutional, professional, and technological process of dying. That process — its positive aspects notwithstanding — has distanced the final stage of life from the rest of living. Additionally, the mobility of Americans quite literally puts distance between many younger and older family members. Adults, even into middle age, may never have lived near or cared for someone who is dying. “A long-distance phone call announcing the passing of grandpa or grandma takes the place of the intimate, firsthand experience of a loved one’s death” (DeSpelder and Stickland, 1996, p. 19). For many, the most common images of death are those presented in the news and entertainment media, which tend to focus on the sensational, violent, or sentimental and which often depict death as an event without much social or personal context.”

Many Lives, Many Masters by Brian L. Weiss, M.D., pp. 58-59 (1988):
“People go to such great lengths to avoid the fear [of death]: mid-life crises, affairs with younger people, cosmetic surgeries, exercise obsessions, accumulating material possessions, procreating to carry on a name, striving to be more and more youthful, and so on. We are frightfully concerned with our own deaths, sometimes so much so that we forget the real purpose of our lives.”